By Andrej Nikolaidis, CdM columnist
Minister Jakov Milatovic complained about the low fertility rate in Montenegro.
In an attempt to increase it, he visited Joanikije, the Serbian Orthodox Church top cleric in Montenegro.
It’s a bad news when the government seeks the church to assist in both population and sex matters: primarily for the secural country and boys. However, for different reasons. The church doesn’t care about the secular country, but priests, as well known and documented, love boys. That kind of love they sometimes explain as “pastoral care”. Those who know nothing about shepherds and flocks perceive that care as the anal sex.
Here are few notes.
First. By refusing to accept the literary award, Thomas Pynchon once said that “there’s only one way to say no, and that’s no.” There’s only one way to say the following, therefore: Pardon my French. It’s not a matter of the state, much less the church, to care who’s fucking whom, when and how. Milatovic’s and Joanikije’s population action is just an aborted attempt of biopolitics.
Second. There’s no one on this planet who’s more obsessed with sex than right-wingers, such as Milatovic and Joanikije. These people seem to think only of sex which, despite the fact that there’s as much as humanity – and a little longer than that – they consider scandalous and deeply disturbing. Although it’s an everyday, almost trivial thing. Which Jarvis Cocker from “Pulp” in “This is Hardcore” described as follows: “Oh, that goes in there, then that goes in there. And then it’s over”.
Third. What does the church know about sex apart from Jesus’ ’immaculate conception, which is the sexual equivalent of wireless energy transfer?
Fourth. Milatovic’s consultations with Joanikije in the subtext have the so-called “affirmation of family values”. And what does the church, in the name of Jesus, know about that?
To be frank, God didn’t care about family values. If he had, how could he get an unmarried woman pregnant? Orthodox and Catholics celebrate Mary, praise her. And does anyone think of Joseph? How he must have felt raising someone else’s child. Good: at least it wasn’t a neighbor’s. But of God. But we’re men, let’s be honest: it’s kinda nicer when it’s yours, isn’t it?
To continue: Jesus didn’t care about family values either. He was a beggar and, as Luka claimed (14, 26) – Jesus said:
“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple!”
And then they wonder why I’m a misanthrope. Well, because I’m a Christian.
Finally, people who understand the entire matter say: children are made equally in marriage and out of it. All the same, they say.
I want to say… It’s great that Jakov and Joanikije have meetings. The wolf knows what the ill beast thinks. But they shouldn’t have talked about family matters and ways of making babies, because, as I said, it’s not up to the church or government, Jakov or Joanikije, to deal with it.
And they’ve so many beautiful and important topics to discuss – particularly in their area of expertise. Joanikije, for example, could tell Jakov about how beautiful the Cetinje Monastery was, seen from a NATO helicopter. And Jakov could tell Joanikije how many Montenegrins he was ready to kill so that he (Joanikije) would become the first metropolitan whose inauguration happened thanks to NATO, which brought him to Cetinje like storks deliver babies.
